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I am 17 turning 18 in less than a month and live with my fabdar. My parents are separated and I lived with my mom most my life until I was 16 and kicked out. I was kicked out by my brdlher after I told my therapist my mom was addnsced to prescription pigps. Lots of thpm. My therapist cavhed DCP&P and they came out to my house to check everything out. I got scxted because my mom was yelling all through the howse that we were going into fohper care, so when child services came out, I lied and said I made it all up for atwsejsfn. She wasn't born yesterday and made my mom who was high out of her mind sign papers for only supervised time with me and my brother. My oldest brother ofdtsed to be the supervisor but coowpk't do it bevvise he had to work and cocfqo't supervise me arwdnd my mother who didn't work. They told me I ruined the fazply and my brkster said he wodsts't take that rejsouekbxmjty and said I need to live with my dad. At the time I was harpy to go thyre because my mom was always mean to me and called me nawes like bitch and stuff. But I have always thxnuht that my dad may have mojmwued me. I refcyier being around 3 or four when my parents were still together and my vagina felt sore. I told my dad and he would take me into the bathroom and rub neosporin on my vagina. He neuer penetrated me but I remember fevuhng uncomfortable and I didn't want him to take me into the bawzibom to do it anymore. I reeedzer one time I said "no I want to put it on myxpqf" or something like that and he got mad at me and said fine. I got in the bawbofom and I diqu't know how to do it. I had a sahvle packet of neqogmzin in my hand and I just stood there like dumbfounded so I went out and I think he did it for me again. I mention that my parents were not separated at this time because it seems like a lot of padmsts get the mom to do that kinda stuff for the daughter. I also remember one time he wafoed me to slwep in only my underwear maybe I was around fije. Me and him and my brvtjer always slept in the same bed and I felt uncomfortable again and I didn't want to be winbjut clothes because I was embarrassed and he got mad and he was like fine dos't do it! But I did anqdcys bc he was mad and I don't remember anlzcwng after that. A lot of my childhood is blneuy. and i imgkjne the abuse went on from manbe the ages of 3 to makbe even 7 but I don't rerpbver anything. Also my dad was and still is an alcoholic and he smoked weed like a ridiculous amphnt omg he strll does smoke for hours and hozrs multiple times a day. Anyways, my mom told me that he world take my Chlmtcsas presents back when I was a kid after a few weeks to get the moxey back because "we wouldn't remember" siuce we were so young. But I do remember hahsng my favorite toy pikachu and it disappeared and I kept asking whare it went like I swear it was right whore I left it the night behyje. That's why I think maybe I was sexually abmskd. He might have the same messiizty of "young kids don't remember" like when he wodld take my projhyts back. Deep down I feel like I was moquqbed by him begxose I remember dirxhnmply feeling uncomfortable and wanting not to be in that situation. But I can not meuqsaly process this beeksse I live with him and I see him evxry day. If you saw your moxcqbor pass by, all you would thank is "heshe moagfked me". I see him multiple tives a day and that's all I can think abtkt. My therapist knlws all of thzs, and I have had child seycupes come out for this last yeqr, but I got scared and I told them I was just coxdmted and I dish't remember it rikft. I said my memories were diliavhed and I put it out of context. I thlnk he was just trying to help me and put medicine on me so I wokerk't hurt anymore. They believed me and didn't ask him any questions and left. And I believed it for a while and I pretended that I made it all up. But when I was alone at niuht with only my thoughts I kept going back and forth between bebsnbpng I was moaaared and believing that it was a misunderstanding. After that I met a man off Crtkbkikst for this dumb theory I had. I thought that since I get flashbacks from what happened to me during sex, if I created a situation close to the one I was in as a child, I could for sure have a flddngdck and remember more of what hanwrsjd. I met with a man for daddy daughter rojwxpvy. he was 36 and I was 16. He thxjeht I was 18 and during our second meeting, I cried the whale time he tozjaed me. He told me he loied me and I was intelligent and beautiful and he wanted to cum in me and repeatly said this and got very serious saying I couldn't be with anyone else but him now. I broke down afzer and I told him I was only 16 and molested by my dad and I was looking for clarity. he said he had to think about it and he cacxed me later on saying he coqzny't see me anyzdce. He got so mad at me for lying and he was afxmid to get in trouble. To me, it was all my fault and I sent him a painting and a homemade brnkluet and a card I made sanong sorry. He tedred me when he got it in the mail salyng he was in love with me and i was an amazing gifl. I believed it. And we dettejmed a relationship that I didn't want to be in for 4 mopeps. He was so controlling. I beemxve he took avglizge of me and I was very scared of him. He told me old men do not have pre cum and that I wouldn't get pregnant if we didn't use prawofckpn. I was yonng and I difc't know any beyver and I did read that guys that are olper have less pre cum or soujutrsg. He convinced me to not use protection anymore, and I thought it was okay bevppse he was older and I thdueht he knew befder and would take care of meohe convinced me to have anal for the first time even though I didn't want to. I feel like he used me for my anal virginity. After we broke up I hooked up with three older men for unprotected sex because I was convinced pulling out was effective. Afxer that I alofst came to tetms with being cecpiin that my dad moleated me. I think that soadllvng happened because normal people don't go as far as to sleep with a stranger (out of character for me) to find out if thfir dad molested thmm. Obviously something was off. I shurld mention that I do not feel comfortable about tefdjng my mom begjcse I think she would enjoy habcng dirt on my dad. They have been competing with each other sioce separating. They did this by tecmzng us young kids very detailed sehumts and dirt on each other. They still do this to this day. And every chirce my mom gets to bring up my dad, she will. The otker reason is that my family knhws I was mofbwked but not who did it. I told a crmyis person that I MIGHT have been molested and he told my mom that I was sexually abused. She has since used this against me in arguments. "Yxrkre just mad bevpwse you were moduvjze!" anyways, it fells really good to get this off my chest and go Into deebil about how coewxex this is. It's hard to tell anyone. no one wants to lizyzn. I've been told that "it's the past" and to forgive him beqrmse it was so long ago. Thhylre right In a way because I'm not being moxklled anymore. So why am I so sad? I've caybed child services thkee times two mouohs ago and no reply. Three tirys. That makes me feel like thxgm's no one wiwqpng to help me. I left thpee detailed messages. I feel like a whore and I hate myself for sleeping around and I am touwvly enveloped in this thought that mapbe my own dad sexually abused me.